Triggers

IMG_1546

Today was a nice day!  It felt similar to our old normal in several ways.  Georgie’s blood sugar numbers were pretty consistent, thanks to still being in the Honeymoon Phase.  So he was energetic, funny and didn’t have any big mood swings.  Hopie is getting her 2 year molars, so she is another story, but along with Georgie she had a great day.  Shane worked all day in the back yard.  He says he’s trying to make it into a “sanctuary” for me.  I appreciate him so much.

I took the kids in the double stroller for a 5.5 mile run, then a picnic at the park.  It was really fun and I’m getting accustomed to doing the finger poke, and determining what snack will keep him as stable as possible.  It is still a little awkward when George announces to the entire park that we are going to check his blood sugar, and would anybody like to come watch….but I’m thankful that right now he is too young to be self-conscious.

We even had S’Mores tonight.  Shane made a fire pit and I was able to calculate the carbs and give a shot for George to have one.  We had fun and I tried hard not to eat so many that it cancelled out the calories I burned on my run.

All was well until I decided to research various insulin pumps online tonight.  I never know what might trigger the tears and anger.  Tonight when I typed “Insulin Pumps” into the search engine, I was instantly in tears.  Frustrated.  Angry.  Afraid.  Am I really doing this??  Am I seriously learning about different insulin pumps because my 5 year old has Type 1 Diabetes?  I thought I had worked through the shock.  But after a relatively normal day, when it kinda felt like I had my life back…reality hits.  And it hits hard.  And I remember that I still need to set my alarm to check his blood sugar at 10pm, 1am and 4am.

I know of one other trigger.  When well-meaning, kind-hearted people tell me, “It will get better.”  NO.  Actually it won’t.  My sweet little son will not get better unless a miracle happens.  We might adjust to counting carbs and giving shots better.  We might get more educated, more familiar, better able to manage this evil evil evil disease.  But it will not get better.  Life for our family is forever altered.  And as I wrote about in my previous blog, Diabetes is not the king of my home.  But unfortunately it is in my home.  And it has not, nor will it ever make our life better.  Hearing, “It will get better” does not produce good things in my heart.

Having said that…in my grief, fear, anger and frustration tonight, I realize that although things may not get better so to speak, hearts are going deeper and perspectives are narrowing in on what is truly, truly important in life.

For example.  Today after our run, we are walking up a grassy hill to the park when out of nowhere George says, “Mom, I don’t want to do things my own way.”  I wasn’t sure what he meant since this was totally out of the blue.  So I just waited to see what else he had to say.  And the next words out of this miracle boy’s mouth were, “I want to do things God’s way.  Because God’s ways are always right.”

I couldn’t stop fast enough.  I knelt down beside him, wrapped my arms around him and told him that that was all I wanted too.  I encouraged him to keep thinking and feeling that his entire life.  Because it is truth.  And it is life.

And I wonder if his little heart is beginning to realize that God’s purposes are always higher than ours.  HIs plan incredibly deeper and further reaching than we can even imagine.

So I will keep researching insulin pumps and continuous glucose monitoring (CGMs).  I will not shy away from people as they try to care for me and offer me hope.  Because there HAS to be some eternal purpose to all this.  There has to be.  Because Georgie said so.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s