Over the past week, I have been becoming more aware of the far-reaching effects of Type 1 Diabetes. It is sinking in that unless a miracle happens (which we are believing for!), we are going to live life side by side with this disease. Every day. Every growth spurt George has. Every head cold or flu. Every sport he may be interested in. His future health. His future family. Side by side with T1D. Not my choice of a lifetime companion.
I’ve heard what T1D has to say up to this point. It has been rather loud and clear. But it is my turn to talk now. I have a few things to say. Although speaking out is not as easy for me now as it once was.
Being in ministry like I was years ago, I had a constant platform (so to speak) that put me in situations where speaking out was expected of me. I got so used to preaching, teaching, leading prayers, counseling etc., that I didn’t think twice about public speaking. It didn’t matter if it was at a women’s conference in Tacoma, at a Bible Institute in Africa, or in a family counseling setting.
But then life changed. God began a heavy-duty breaking, rebuilding and refining in my little life. I realized that what I might have to say was really just not that important after all. I no longer had those automatic ministry opportunities, and now that nearly 6 years have passed, I find my heart leaping out of my chest with anxiety just at the thought of praying in a group setting. Even if its just a group of 2. Not only has life changed, I have changed. Drastically.
But today at the leaders meeting for the BSF class I attend, I knew I needed to voice a declaration. My declaration of life. As I faced 60ish ladies, in fear and trembling (lots of trembling) here is what I declared (or attempted to at least):
- I will not waste this pain. I will not waste the suffering that this disease causes. I will offer it up to the Lord, and watch Him turn it into something extravagant. Something beautiful. Something with eternal purpose. I will do whatever I need to do so that none of this journey through suffering is wasted. I will boast in our weakness, so that His strength is even more evident.
“As they pass through the Valley of Weeping, they make it a place of springs.” Ps. 84:6
- I might have moments of anxiety, but I will not live an anxious life. Fear, anxiety, unpredictability…that’s just part of the learning curve of T1D. But I will round that curve. I have trusted in the One True God for as long as I can remember. I will not stop now.
“…none of those who trust in Him will be desolate.” Ps. 34:22
- I will be the mother He has called me to be. I remember at a baby shower for Georgie, a sweet single mom of twins came up to me and said, “Remember, not only did God choose George to be your son, He chose YOU to be his mother. No one else can do the job like you can.” I have never forgotten that. These aren’t just my children…they are actually God’s. He entrusted them to me because He thinks I can do this. So I will. With all my heart. That means taking care of my marriage, and my health too. So I ran 5 miles on Monday. I’m still going to do a half marathon before Autumn this year. And I try my hardest to continue to encourage Shane with my respect and love every chance I get.
“No evil will befall you, nor will any plague come near your tent.” Ps. 9:10
- Diabetes is not the king of my home. Because if it is, then we have no hope. The King of our home is the Man of Sorrows who bore stripes on His back for our healing. The King of our home is the Prince of Peace who is not only present during this storm, but He takes my hand and as I keep my eyes on Him, enables me to walk out into it. And over to the other side.
“The LORD will keep you from all harm -He will watch over your life.” Ps. 121:7
I don’t know all the reasons why the Lord wanted me to verbalize my declaration today in that group of incredible women….but I knew that I would also blog about it.
Because I will not waste this suffering. I will use it. To bring glory to God and encouragement to others. This journey is not about me. Its all about the One who is carrying me through.