I’m thinking about the state of my heart tonight. Proverbs 4:23 is such a profound verse – Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
With moving to Denver in less than 10 days, I hope that my heart is staying healthy. My goal and desire is to keep an open heart toward the precious people in my life. I also want to be healthy in how I process all this change. Even though it is painful, I want to experience everything…I don’t want to go numb.
I’m a very deep feeler. I’m also a pretty deep thinker. Put these together and I can tend to be over-the-top analytical and emotional. (poor poor Shane) In order to try to balance myself out, I’ve developed some pretty handy defense systems. I can keep people at arm’s length pretty easily if I want. If I feel like I’m in danger of being hurt or rejected I can build a wall around my heart quickly, and unlike Jericho, that wall could probably stand forever. In fact, I have several little tricks I can use to try to make myself less relational, sensitive and contemplative.
But I’m challenging myself to avoid all that. I want to feel what I feel. I want to think what I think. And if I go through a million boxes of tissues, or stay up all night thinking things through, analyzing the ending of a season and a beginning of another….that’s OK. As long as I keep watch over my heart. That’s the key. That’s my line to survival right now.
Guarding my heart. Keeping a close eye on what is going in and out. I’m not allowing anything into my heart that might steal the joy of this new adventure. I’m choosing to be fully engaged with whoever I’m spending time with. No wall building, no stiff-arming. When I watched my brother and his family drive away Saturday, I let myself sob. For once, I didn’t pull any self-preservation tricks. I felt it all. And for me…that’s a good thing.
I need to keep my heart open, not only to those who are already near and dear to me, but to the new people I haven’t met yet. People who call the Rocky Mountains home. People who God wants me to think of as neighbors, friends and family. When I land in Denver on the 29th, I want to bring with me the healthiest, most open heart I’ve ever had. Because out of that heart will flow refreshing, Living Water.
I’m realizing more and more that this isn’t about me. Its about what flows out of me, into the lives of others.