I’ve been running. Not just literally for exercise, but also in my spirit. I’ve been running from facing a few things.
Fear is a strange thing. I haven’t had many fears in my life. My major fear (along with most women) is the fear of rejection. It may rear its ugly head now and again but it doesn’t rule my life. I fear spiders and I startle pretty easily, but that’s about it (that I know of). But last week I realized I was afraid to face some experiences I’ve had in the past few years, and I was avoiding allowing the Lord, or anyone close to me, to walk me through them.
Last week I finally noticed that I’ve been running fast and hard…keeping busy, keeping my mind numb by food/drink/entertainment, reading everything BUT the Bible, doing everything EXCEPT quieting myself and allowing the Lord to get my attention. Well, He finally ran me right into a corner and I had to slow down and allow myself to get eye to eye with some stuff.
I didn’t realize it until a friend came over and simply asked how I was doing. The next thing I know I’m not able to talk through my tears and the floodgates opened. I heard myself talking about things that I had considered old, gone, past business. But there it all was: wounds that still weren’t healed, and some that had healed but had tender scars. It sure felt strange to be on the receiving end of a conversation like we had. I’m used to being the counselor or the pastor. I’m not used to (or comfortable with) baring my soul and suffering the humility of uncontrollable tears.
But I learned a few things from this friend, and then from another woman who “happened” to stop by the next night:
…The Lord isn’t mad at or disappointed in me.
…He’s waiting for me to come to Him, and He’s got a gift for me if I’ll receive it.
…I can run all I want, but He’ll run me right into a corner because He loves me and won’t let me get too far.
…I need older women in my life who I can trust, turn to, talk with and receive wisdom and prayer from.
…I don’t need to know all my “issues”. All I need to do is give it to Him, trust Him and stop running the opposite direction.
…I may have carried some heavy loads that left behind some pain, but that pain can be healed.
I’m in need of some repair work…and He’s already started. All I had to do was stop avoiding His presence. There is no reason to fear – He is love, He is perfect love, and He is wanting me in the middle of that love.